Conflicted.

I can't seem to fathom what I really want. I want to do this. I want to do that. Let's live here. Let's live there. Don't get me wrong. I think I am a very grateful person. I almost always see the glass half full but I have never been so conflicted in my life before! It's as if the choices I am making right now are just made halfheartedly. Half my heart tries to see myself living and making a living here. Three quarters of it wants to go home. Yes, home is where the heart is blah blah but the Philippines is still what I call home. It's like I'm here, but I am not really here. ALL decisions I am making, eventually coming home is always a part of it. I am physically here but my mind wonders wanders how that decision affect going back. If I am coming home at all.

There are so many emotions running through my body right now. Should I/we go home? For good? When? Why? I think the last one is always the biggest question. Not mine though. That's a question people around me always ask. Why?! Bakit? Then they start throwing all the bad things about the Philippines. Trapik dun e! Sobrang crowded! Polusyon! Kurakot! All the more reason we should help! I think I've heard it all. After a few semesters in U.P., I think I actually heard more than what I should have. But even after all this, I love the Philippines. Its people. No, it's actually not because my family is there. Of course that's part of it but it's more than that. I love the Filipino people. I can't give you the why. I just do. Nakakuha yata ako ng nationalistic bug  just after attending a few sems in Peyups. If you can name one negative thing about Pinas, I can give you two positive ones. Yesterday, I watched the General Women's Conference and Pres. Uchtdorf mentioned that when we love God, we want to serve Him. It's the same for everything else we love. Our spouse, our family, our friends and for me, the Pinoys. How can I serve them when I'm here? *lupasay sa floor* LOL

One of the happiest experiences I've had was when we organized a fund raising event to benefit the typhoon Haiyan victims. I want to recreate that feeling. Wouldn't it be so great if what you do not only makes you happy but makes other people happy too? "You can do it there too!" Yes, I know. But I believe the Pinoys need it more. There are so many reasons as to why - politically, economically, physically and any -ally you can think of. I refuse to make any comparisons between Tate and Pinas here so let's just leave it at that for now.

So... what can I do while I am here? Every excuse I get, I use it to convince E that we should go home. Samahan pa ng pangungunsinti ng tatay ko. haha But seriously, what is the best way to make use of my time here? I don't even know how end this blog post. What to do next...?